Cookie

My old Cat is spending her last day on earth. I don't like having the power to determine that. She is almost 18 years old and is very frail. I've consulted my friends who have gone through this and done a lot of soul searching. This is the right thing to do. It doesn't make it any easier though.
Our relationship is longer than most marriages today. Cookie came to us in 1993.My daughter's boyfriend was staying with us that summer. He worked as a mascot for the city. He was Captain Cook. On his way to work one day, he heard mewing coming from a dumpster behind a building. He checked into it and found a frightened white kitten. He called me and asked if I would mind if her brought her home. He assured me that he would take it with him when he left at the end of summer. I agreed.
He wanted to call her "Justice". I said no way, as I didn't want to be singing out: "Justice where are you ?". I named her "Cookie" after his role as Captain Cook.
Well he left the cat (and my daughter) at the end of summer. Cookie has been a fixture in our home ever since. She is a rather unloveable cat. She reminds me of someone I know, very vocal about getting her needs met, especially at 5am. I have lost a ton of sleep because of Cookie. She is very lacking in personal hygiene. He bum is always got poop on it, and her eyes are goopy. She is only interested in eating and is devoid of personality.
I didn't think I loved her until yesterday, when I called the vet to make inquiries about having her put down. Then I spent the rest of the day crying.
This morning I tried to cuddle her and tell her I love her. She was dismissive and not interested in my overtures. It has always been on her terms. If it were summer, this decision would be hers , but it's winter, she's cold, and I'm afraid she may get out when people are coming and going during Christmas. My Buddhist practice says 'no killing'. However I don't believe in suffering needlessly. I like to think this is the compassionate choice.
I will miss you dear Cookie!